June 30, 2005 ~ 12:04 PM
My anger... my hate... everything has ceded. Now, when I remember the words I have said, when I remember my fury... I just laugh.. smile... and realize how sorry I am.
It turns out that "TB", the hater who said I was a bitch, is a girl who is madly in love with Brent. "TB" also called Ria a bitch... well, she thinks every girl in Brent's life is a bitch. Funny coz it made us all mad, Ria, Brent and I, na nakikisawsaw sha sa stuff na hindi naman nya concern, but I am also thankful to her whoever she is coz may part sha sa pagpapatch up sa aming tatlo...
Ria, Brent, Jill and I had lunch together. No offense to Jill.. But I was really hoping na kaming tatlo lang nila Ria and Brent muna ang maglunch... Coz I really really wanted to talk to them.
I admit. I am a brat. I always wanted to have my way most of the time. And I am sorry if I had been so selfish.
Now when it comes to thesis... The reason why I like saying, "Basta gawin mo nalang" without offering any explanation, is because I want the result to explain itself. I mean, I felt like time is running out kung mag e-explain pa ako how I derived the decision, kaya naging linya ko na yun. Sa amin kasi sa family ko, pag may pinapagawa sa akin ang kuya ko or dad, pag tinatanong ko why nila pinapagawa sa akin, yun din ang sagot nila, "Basta gawin mo nalang". Naiinis din ako kapag ganun kasi feeling ko ginagawa akong puppet, pero pag ginawa ko naman yung pinapagawa nila, and nakita ko tama nga, ako na mismo sa sarili ko ang nakakakuha nung sagot sa tanong ko.. I thought kasi you will feel the same, sorry if I apply it to you. Pero pagdating sa thesis, I swear naman talaga na walang akong dinedecide na hindi convenient o easy para sa lahat. At ginagawa ko ang lahat para maging mataas tayo. Gusto ko kasi lahat tayo magcecelebrate, lahat tayo masaya.
Sorry kung nanumbat ako, I didn't mean to. Lahat ng ginagawa ko para sa thesis bukas sa kalooban ko, without grudge or anything, makatulong man kayo o hindi masyado, I don't mind coz the mere fact that you keep me company while doing it makes me happy na... parang moral support. Sorry sa panunumbat ko.
Thanks sa email Brent.. I almost cried. Sana mamaya makausap na talaga kita, tayong tatlo ni Ria.
Yung kay Gian naman... siguro na-ooffend na talaga ako sa ginagawa nya. The reason why I wanted him out sa thesis group natin is ganito: Simula palang kasi nagkakaconflict na kami. Ang kinatatakot ko yung working relationship namin. Di ko kaya gumawa ng thesis na kaaway ko ang kathesis ko.. Or may sama ako ng loob kasi kilala nyo naman ako, madali akong maapektuhan. Kapag di ko trip yung tao di talaga ako ngingiti, di ko din sha titingnan. Pano na yun kung magkakasama pa tayo and overnight pa para sa thesis? Eh di gulo na...
Sorry Ria, I know close kayo no Gian. Pero yun talaga ang nafi-feel ko about him. Saka I don't feel good about the "bad-mouthing" thing tapos biglang makikita ko sha buddy buddy nya pala yung sinasabihan nya ng kung ano ano. I really hope you understand. I was never close with gays...
Diverting from my friends.. cge lovelife ko naman.
Is there such thing as a "forbidden love"?
Kasi kung meron.. eto na cguro yung point ng buhay ko na dumating na ako dun... Gets?
I don't love the guy. I just uh.. Ok, prankahan na tutal naman pranka ako heheh.
"Pinagnanasaan ko yung guy"...
Nakakahiyang aminin pero OO. Sana nga hanggang dun na lang sa pagkakacrush at pagdedesire ko sa person na yun kasi pag nag iba pa ng level, itatakwil ako ng buong pamilya ko, ng buong angkan ko, ni Ria most especially.. Ewan ko si Brent kung itatakwil din ako... See? Lahat sila against sa idea na yun, na "That Guy and I". Kahit nga friends ko sa dorm eh.
Ayoko sabihin kung sino sha, mas lalo kung ano ang trabaho nya, dahil sigurado ako buong mundo magugulat. Pati mga manliligaw ko noon at ngayon na binasted ko, brutal man ang pagkakabasted ko o hindi, cgurado ako iuuntog nila ang ulo ko sa pader pag nalaman nila kaya mas maganda if I'll keep his identity secret..
Isang portion pa lang yan ng love life ko.
May kaibigan ako na gustong lumigaw uli. Sige na nga sasabihin ko na. Ay hindi, clue nalang. Bestfriend ni Atoy na nanliligaw kay Daisy na kaklase namin.
Basted na sha noon. Tapos nagkagirlfriend sha ng iba. Tapos wala na sila ngayon. Tapos gusto nanaman nya lumigaw. Hayy... Cycle ba itech?
Una ang pinapalabas nya na kay Pia sha (yung dormmate ko) interesado. Yun pala sa akin. Ang ganda daw pala ni Pia, may pag-asa ba daw sha kay Pia, magugustuhan daw kaya sha ni Pia... lahat yun tinatanong nya sa akin. Yun pala ako ang gusto nya, inamin nya sa akin kagabi. Weird nya noh?
Wala na akong kaibigang lalaki na hindi nanligaw sa akin. Ewan ko nga kung bakit ako naliligawan. Oo given na yung, sabi nga ni Ria, "What's not to like about you?" pero lahat na ng ka-spoiled-an at ka-brat-an ginagawa ko na to make them see na hindi ako ang girlfriend material para sa kanila pero they just don't get it. Grabe talaga. Minsan nakakakaasar na. Heheheheh.
Ang sinabi ko lang sa kanya nung umamin sha.. "Lamo, naguguluhan ka lang. Cge rest na ako, nyt."
Eh wala ako masabi eh..
Siguro hanggang dito nalang muna...
June 29, 2005 ~ 5:00 PM
Jam and I ate at Kenny last night... Well, we talked about Patrick again. Sadly, I did regret letting him go and now... Now, I feel miserable. Kasi yung mga what ifs, yung mga what could have been.. hindi ko mabigyan ng kasagutan. It's my loss really. And I ought to find him.
Anway... Ria and I have finally agreed on putting our friendship to a higher level. It felt really good being okay again... We were finally able to say the things we've been meaning to say to each other.. And most importantly, there would be no crap or plastikan between us.
I am still waiting for Schuy to come to school. I hope she's ok.
I don't understand why some people are so concerned about my bitchiness. I mean, does it bother them seeing me so bitchy and all when they do not even know me?
Ganto ako eh, deal with it.=) Natatawa kasi ako eh, pag-aaksayahan pa talaga ng hater ko na magpost sa tagboard ko na bitch ako. Eh oo nga, bitch nga ako matagal ko nang alam yun, hehehehe.=)
At magpopost pa sha sa blog ni brent ng stuff against me. I don't know kung ikakatuwa ni Brent yun pero I doubt. I might hate Brent pero he's way too intelligent para kagatin ang pain ng mga ibang haters ko. Heheheheh.=)
I am not bothered by haters. And I hope it serves as a lesson to all of you friends who read my post. Wag kayo papaapekto sa ibang tao. Mas masisiyahan sila kung makikita nilang naaapektuhan ka. Na nasasaktan ka. Kasi ang gusto nilang makita yung nag-iisa ka, yung nalulungkot ka. Sa maliliit na bagay na yun sila nakakakuha ng saya kasi feeling nila angat na sila sa iyo.
=) I am glad things are starting to go back to normal.=)
June 27, 2005 ~ 5:12 PM
Things start to get better in my life... Except for one "rebellious" person (as termed by my friend Jam and Badet) who is trying to ruin everything for me coz he could not accept that he has to follow me in the thesis, everything seems alright.
Ria and I are officially okay. I have forgiven her, she has forgiven me. I figured that she was just trying to be nice to the other guy. Her reasons were different from that rebellious somebody. And it felt really good to know that in spite of everything, she really did love me as her friend.
I still got Jam, Badet, Schuy, Anne... and I still got my own friends who I know really cares for me though they're not physically here with me.. E.R., Donnie, Angela, Atoy, Mikel.. And I think that's something to be happy about.
Well... I got this problem.. And I couldn't tell the person coz I am afraid to hurt him..
You see.. he's been here for me lately. He was the one I turned to when shit were popping out of nowhere. I appreciate everything he is doing for me, and he has no idea how grateful I am that he's here.
But the problem is, he does not see me as a friend. He sees me as something more. At first I thought he'd eventually forget about it. You know, that he'd suddenly realize that I'm a friend material and not the girl of his dreams, sort of like that.
Right now, I got much more priorities to face.
I still think of Patrick. I still think of Jayson... and I am not sure if I could tell him that without him thinking that I am rejecting him, period.
What I need is a friend right now.. Not a boyfriend. I admit, I am looking for Mr. Right but the truth is, I don't know what I am looking for. That's why till now I couldn't decide who to choose, who to be with. I am still waiting for Mr. Right to hit me on the face and say, "Hey, where were you, I've been looking all over for you..."
Patrick was there on my face and I had let him go right? And yet I thought it was him that I was looking for. See? I do not know what I want. I do not want to say yes and then later on hurt the person by realizing that my yes wasn't exactly a yes because I do not know what I want. Yet.
God.. this is really so hard to explain.
~~(sigh)~~
You know who you are, and I know you can read this... It's not you. It's me. =( I am so sorry. But I still want to wait for someone... Someone whom I could feel would come soon.
I am so tired flaring up.
I am so tired swallowing hatred from other people.
I am so tired defending myself from "spitballs".
I won't react now. No. I won't waste my time with reacting.
From now on, my friend will be my friend and my enemy will be nothing but a pile of shit.
Criticize me. Hate me. I hope you enjoy. You can even make hundreds of blogs to put my name on if you like. Or even spread mean things about me through friendster. You're not man enough to look me in the eye and say it on my face. But oh, are you?
I so want to see my name on your blog again tonight.=) That would be really lovely. I feel so popular when you do that, trying to convince people how evil I am. Do you really care about me that much that you could not help but "bad-mouth" me in your blog?
Tulad nga ng sinabi ni Gian, "kung ano man ang sinasabi ng isang tao sa kapwa nya, nagrereflect yun sa sarili nya."
Forgive me if I said putang ina and fuck for the sickening nth time on my previous post. It's just that there's no other way to describe what you did to me. =)
June 25, 2005 ~ 6:45 PM
I tried to reach out to you guys.
I even sat with one of you. Pero lumipat kayo ng seats. I was waiting for you to talk to me during class.. Say something... I swallowed my pride. But you didn't right? Si Jill pa ang nag-ask to have lunch with you guys and settle everything...
I'm sorry. You were waiting for me to say sorry kaninang lunch but I was also waiting for you guys to say it too. After all, we're all hurt. And I am pretty sure I was the one who was the most inflicted with pain. I may not cry in front of you, but I cry when I am alone. Have you forgotten that behind my tough maldita facade is a vulnerable sensitive person who is just trying to be strong?
Yeah, I made you choose between me and Gian because I want to know if you could understand my situation na walang working relationship sa amin ni Gian. Hindi ko kelangan ng isang tao na mambabara sa mga desisyons ko... Nasasaktan ako kasi you prefer his decisions over me when in fact I am the one who has the biggest concern over our thesis. Whatever I do, it's for us, for our own good. Why can't you guys see that? Hindi dahil may personal grudge ako with Gian. Kung yun lang I could keep up with that. Pero the group is too small to have two leaders. I hope you understand.
I am happy that you like to reboot our friendship. God, ang dami na nating napagdaanan na magkakasama. Nung inaway tayo ni Joyce remember? Sino ang nakikipag-patayan nung naoffend si Brent? Diba ako? Sinong nakikipagpatayan nung may nang iinsulto kay Ria sa blog ko? Diba ako? Ako? Sinong nakikipagpatayan pag may nang-aaway sa akin? Diba ako lang? Ako lang mag-isa ang nakikipagpatayan para sa sarili ko. And it hurts, God it hurts.
At kay Opiniano! Sa manyakis na Opiniano na yan! God knows how I hate him! Ang tagal ko nang nagtitiis dahil Prof natin sha! Oo! Willing ako gamitin ang charm ko, I can take advantage of that fact para lang we can get our way! Pero napapagod din ako! Akala nyo ba natutuwa ako na hinagod hagod nya ang likod ko nung friday night na hindi ko alam kung bakit dun sa Wendys nung nag-away away tayo? Na hinawak hawakan nya ako? Di ako makatulog sa kakaisip about it.
I don't know what will become of us on Monday... Bahala na ang Diyos about it.
June 19, 2005 ~ 5:43 PM
To my dearest friend... You know who you are..
Forgive me if there are things I couldn't have the courage to tell you. Not that I do not trust you. Not that I intend to make you feel left out. But I am scared. Scared that you wouldn't understand.
We both know you already know what it is at the back of your mind...
And unfortunately, you are probably right.
There are some things that I couldn't bear to let you know, coz I don't want you to change what you perceive of me.
Someday, you'll know. And that's a guarantee.
And to all the haters out there, this is what I can say:
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive
IT'S MY LIFE
My heart is like an open highway
Let me say I did it my way
I just wanna live where I'm alive
IT'S MY LIFE
Lemme plug this. There's this guy sitting on my left who is also using a pc. He keeps on looking on my screen, on what I am typing so I hope he reads this so he'd know that I think he's stupid for not minding other people's business. Heheheheh.
The pc in this cafe really sucks. Mabagal, naghahang pa... Grrr...
I don't have classes tomorrow, till Wednesday and also on Friday. Meaning, I only have classes on Thursday and Saturday!
YAHOO!!! YEHEY!!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!
I feel better now... Konting cough and colds nalang... but I'm fine.=)
Happy Father's Day to my Dad who is no doubt the best father and provider in the world!!! Love you Dad! My only goal is to make you proud!!!!
June 17, 2005 ~ 2:15 PM
Here I am, trying to pass time..
Still got classes later at 3...
Hi Sherry! Nice knowing you too... Too bad I didn't get to meet you.. About Jason, well, past is past... I don't give a damn about him anymore, but his friend Danly.. I'm bothered with what he's doing with my friend, I'm pretty sure he's just after her money. We are ALL sure (Ate Jing's friends) that he's just using her for her money and CRV. It's not like Danly to fall in love with a 34-year-old woman... He's just taking advantage of her loneliness... Say hi to E.R. for me and sorry if you got bored here..=) There aren't any people around in my blog when you came...
Still sick, Ria, Brent, Nina and I had lunch in SM Manila then went window shopping after... Nothing much today... Feel like sleeping all day long...
June 16, 2005 ~ 6:04 PM
Here I am...
Not so well, but feeling better than yesterday.. Heheheheh..
I narrated to my friends what happened last Saturday when I saw Voltaire again after almost 8 years.
They listened with an "eager" curiosity. And, well, sympathized with me...
"Wawa naman si Mela..." My friend Badet said.
I'm actually okay now. Still single and just fine.
My eyes feasted on cute boys all day long. Make that cute FRESHMEN boys. I get satisfaction just by the mere fact that I see them staring at me whenever I walk by. Or maybe I just caught their attention or something like that. Whatever. At least I'm still noticed... What was the term again? Oh right! "Bumebenta pa!" Hahahahah!
Ria wasn't in the mood to boywatch so I was just kinda tagging her along in my antics. I certainly couldn't boywatch with Brent, nor Badet, nor Jam coz it's not their thing. Ria's my only partner when it comes to that.. But she still seemed to be depressed over her failed love life.
Well... she's not the only one who's like that and she knows it.
"Alam mo Ria, kahit hindi na ako magkaboyfriend, ok lang! Basta ma-surround lang ako ng mga ganito kagwa-gwapo araw-araw!" I told her with a laugh.
We watched a movie kanina. Nasaan Ka Man... The movie with Claudine, Diet and Echo in it. It was good. I cried, and so did Ria. I won't talk about the movie coz I don't wanna be a spoiler, but I really recommend that you check it out.
I realized...
What if Mr. Right's in heaven already?
What if my soul mate... is just what he is to be? A soul per se?
What is it for me now?
What am I to do?
The first day of my last year in college is just fine. Same uniform, with longer hair, a little ill... I'm still the same me.
Same day next year, I'm probably working already. Also typing on the computer, not on my blog but on MS Word doing some crazy news story for a newspaper, or a silly news script for a broadcasting company.
This is my last day in college, and I wonder... "How am I going to spend it wisely?"
Soon, I'll be 20. Only 5 months more and my teenage life is over. What shall I do to make it memorable?
I dunno... My head is bombarded with questions that I know I couldn't answer.
June 15, 2005 ~ 10:38 PM
I'm sick. I'm waiting for Ria to drop by, she said she'd accompany me to the hospital. I need to have a nebulizer. I woke up desperately catching air to breathe. Wala naman ako lagnat... it's just that I have difficulty breathing.
Haggard na haggard na ang itsura ko. I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror.
Masyado ko na napapabayaan ang sarili ko.
I called my dad, told him I was sick.. well he couldn't do anything about it coz nasa Olongapo sha.. The least he could do is send me more money. I called up my Mom but it turns out she had some important errands to attend to. My brother is having is review, and my sister is in school.
Damn.
It's all up to me now. Cure myself.
Independence. I love this word. But in times like this, it doesn't really help to be alone.
"Bilib na tlga ako sayo ha, may sakit ka na nag-iinternet ka pa!" Ria texted a while ago when I told her to just meet me in bootcamp.
Well, first of all solo ko itong net cafe, and at home na talaga ako dito coz it's just across my dorm. There's no one around and I'm really comfortable here so i't ok.
I can't wait to get to the hospital. I can't wait to get well then tire myself again and again and again.
June 14, 2005 ~ 5:20 PM
Sorry peeps if I didn't get to blog since Saturday... You have no idea how eager I am to share with you how my life has been lately.
Well... it's really nothing more than a combination of physical and emotional stress. Boy am I glad that classes will start on Thursday (it's our free day every Tuesdays and Wednesdays).
Let me start with what happened on my Saturday night gimmick with Ate Jing and her friends. It was my last Saturday in Subic, so I made it a point that I will go out and enjoy the last Saturday of my summer vacation. Well, we did the usual-- go to Brew's then Sibil after. I met guys. I met my guy batchmates in elementary after 7 years of not knowing what happened to them. I met lots of cute acquaintances. And I saw Voltaire.
You guys all know Voltaire. Remember my email add? voltairelovescarmela@yahoo.com right? Nah, he was never my boyfriend. He was my 1st crush. When I was young, I wrote poems about him everyday. I will wait for him after school when I was about Grade V and make a point that we ride the same jeepney. I adored him and even worshipped him. But when I went to Manila to study for high school ( St. Paul QC), I never saw him again. For so many years, I looked for him, Angela (my bestfriend) always accompanied me in searching for him but well, it was a failure finding him. So I made a vow that if destiny gives me a chance to see him, I'd tell him how I feel and make him fall in love with me.
So there was the chance. I saw him in Brew's, and he was with 4 girls. I wasn't even sure if it was him. He looked mature, the innocent look on his face which I had adored faded. I hesitated.
I saw other people. Thina, Kamil, all of my ex's bitch friends, and there were cute guys who offered a bottle of whiskey which I did not decline because I knew I needed the drink. Deo was there... all the people familiar to me were there.
I passed the chance of approaching him. What the heck.
But then when we went to Sibil, I saw him there. Again. What a lucky coincidence. It must be fate! So I gathered up all my courage, didn't give a damn about the girl who were having dirty dancing with him, took advantage of my drunkenness and went up to him.
"Voltaire, ikaw ba yan?"
He did not answer me. He just stared at me and had let go of the girl he was maliciously dancing with.
"Voltaire ba ang name mo?"
I thought, damn, please say something, I want to know if it's you.
He smoked the cigarette he was holding. Then smiled.
"Yeah."
"Remember me? Kapatid ako ni Paula Gonzales..."
He knew my sister well. That's why I introduced myself that way. My sister is kinda popular in my hometown, and people did not know she had a younger sister. I am a living enigma in my hometown so I had to explain. I knew he knew me.
"Oh.. yeah. Ikaw ba yan? Ang laki laki mo na ha? " He smiled.
I smiled too, I flashed him my sweetest smile. "Ikaw din, uh... ang payat mo na.." That's all I could say when I stared at his body. He certainly looked miserable.
"Nag-aaral ka pa ba?" I immediately asked to continue the conversation.
"May anak na ako. Nakikita mo yung babaeng yun? (he said, pointing to an ordinary-looking girl with heavy make-up who was dirty dancing with a foreigner) Yun ang nanay ng anak ko. Nakita mo ba ang ginagawa nya? Hindi ako nakainom lang ha, pero ayoko na, sawang-sawa na ako sa ugali nya."
He said a foul word, then smoked again.
"Oh.."
That was all I can say.
"You wanna get my number?" he asked.
"Excuse me?"
"I said you wanna get my number?"
"Uh.. why don't I just give you mine.."
So there, we exchanged numbers. He texted me all night nung nasa Sibil kami. I don't know if it's forbidden for us to talk, or maybe ayoko rin kasing kausapin sha in person, so kahit na he's just within my reach, mas gusto kong magtext na lang kami.
My whole world turned upside down. I was disillusioned.
God, Voltaire, what happened to you?
Why didn't you wait for me?
Out of depression, I let other guys approach me and offer me drinks. Alcoholic of course! I got myself so tipsy that I easily entertain anyone who asked for my number. I couldn't even recall who were they. I am just so glad they stopped texting since Sunday when I bugged them off and told them I was just drunk and I was not interested with them.
Christian was there with my friend Yonel. They arrived at about 3 a.m., when my friends and I were about to leave na. What a scence. I guessed they might have seen me entertaining lots of boys and giving my number to anyone who asked. What the heck, I was drunk, but I still felt the shame. One of their ugly friends tried to kiss me and I did not lose my mind to let him do that. I pushed him away of course and said, "Gago ka ha!"
Anyway, Christian was a guy whom I used to like because I thought he was the one but I did not know I was going to face a huge disappointment. Now, we're just "friends" I think, nothing more. I am not allowed to state the reasons why because I made a promise to him that I won't blogticize him no matter what happens. It's just that he said he liked being single, I didn't know if it's his way of expressing that he doesn't like me, or he just changed his mind because the first time I talked with him he told me he was looking for the right girl.
I wonder why sweet men suddenly turn into monsters when they find something in you which they dislike.
Sunday was a bore.
Monday (yesterday) was sort of a playtime for me. I just spent my whole day with my kid cousins (they were aged 5 to 13) and played with them all day long. As in literally play (taguan, habulan, mag-bike, maglaro ng sisiw, makipagkwentuhan ng nakakatakot).
Then something really funny and memorable happend last night which I could not state here because it's off the record. (Ria, ikaw lang ang nakakaalam ha? Love u!=P)
I'm sick now, I got cough. I am overfatigued. For three consecutive days I slept at around 5 am na and got up really early. I felt like a zombie.
I guess I'd never forget the guy who told me this:
"Kahit ganto lang ako, this guy will never leave you."
Why do I feel as if he really would keep his word?
I don't wanna hold on to it.
For three consecutive dawns, I would curl myself into a ball, hug myself...
And cry myself to sleep.
Loneliness just doesn't fade away for me. It goes for a while when I smile---
then comes back when I don't.
June 10, 2005 ~ 6:55 PM
I didn't wake up at the right side of the bed.
All day I was experiencing headaches. And I was so0o0o cold. In fact, nakajacket talaga ako ngayon. I wanted to stay home all day long but my dad forced me to eat lunch with him and his balikbayan friends sa Legenda Hotel.
Iba talaga ang mga balikbayan noh? Karamihan walang pagmamahal sa sariling bansa. They were actually polluting my mind. Kung alam nyo lang bwisit na bwisit na ako.
One of them asked:
"I heard you wanted to be a journalist. Mahirap yan, mamamatay kang gutom. Sisikat ka lang, pero wala kang pera. Unlike your dad, who's a lawyer. Pati kuya mo magiging lawyer. And look at your sister, she'll be a dentist. Ikaw journalist ka lang. Mag-Amerika ka nalang, mas kikita ka dun."
I said:
"Gusto ko makatulong sa mga inaapi. At ayoko maging abogado. Hindi ko calling. Eto po talaga ang gusto ko."
He insisted:
"Naku! Naku! Mamamatay kang gutom! Uunahin mo pa ang kapakanan ng iba wala kang mapapala dun! Sa Amerika ka magtabaho! Maganda ang buhay dun! At ayaw mo ba nun? Hahanapan ka namin ng mapapangasawang mayamang dollar-earner!"
Mukhang pera ang mga balikabayan na ito. Kung wala lang tatay ko dun nagwalk-out na ako eh. Ano bang akala nila sa akin? Isang ambisyosang Pinay na ang pangarap lang eh makatungtong ng Amerika at anakan ng isang mabahong kano?
Buong time na magkasama kami, paulit ulit nilang sinasabi na sa Amerika mas maganda, at wala akong kikitain sa pagiging reporter. Paki ba nila? Tatay ko nga di ako mapigil eh, sila pa? Pampasira talaga sila ng araw.
I know I'd sound like a Katipunera pero kaya ganito ang Pinas dahil may mga katulad nila na walang pagmamahal sa sariling bayan. Kahit sa mga kapwa Pinoy nila. Sila ngang mag-asawa mga doktor dito bago umalis ng Pinas eh. Pero anong trabaho nila sa States! Doktor ba sila dun? Hindi! Taga-tinda lang ng insurance.
Buti pa yung ibang mga kilala ko na nangingibang-bansa, uwing-uwi na sa Pinas. Sila, diring-diri sa Pinas, akala mo kung sino na umasta.
I have nothing against Filipinos na nasa ibang bansa, or sa mga Balikbayan. In fact, my 3 bestfriends are actually out of the country. Sila E.R., Angela, and Don.. Ika nga, tatlong unos sa buhay ko ang sunod-sunod nilang pag-alis. Pero sila, hindi ganun tulad sa mag-asawa na yun.
Nga pala, eto si E.R., na dati payat, ngayon tumaba na sa kakakain sa Oklahoma, heheheh.=) Machong macho na etong bestfriend ko at talaga namang kayang-kaya na nya magdrive ng tractor hahahaha!=) Miss na miss ko na sha..=)
Bukas, gigimik nanaman ako. Mamboboylets nanaman cguro kami ni Ate Jing. Eh ano pa. Eh di punuan ang puwang na iniwan ng mga dinispatchang boylets diba? Hahahahah!
Nga pala, sa mga nagtataka kung bakit instant goner si Gunter sa buhay ko, eh isa lang ang masasabi ko. Takot ako sa masyadong agressive. At pwede ba, ayoko ng puro dakdak na lalaki. Yun lang heheheh.
June 09, 2005 ~ 4:20 PM
Last night, Ate Jing and I had dinner together. She really did not look her age. She's 34 years old, already has a 5-year-old son, but she's petite, about 4'9 lang in height, and really cute. Ako nga actually ang napagkakamalang mas matanda sa amin, considering that I dress maturely and I like wearing high-heeled shoes. I was supposed to have dinner with my family, but I favored going with her coz I know she's a very lonely woman. She picked me up at around 8 sa house. She was wearing long sleeves and a mini skirt, ako naman haltered and pants lang. Parehas pa nga kami ng kulay ng top. Para kaming sasayaw heheheheh. After eating sa Coco Lime (dun kami nauwi coz we couldn't decide where to eat), we went straight to Brew's at around 9:30.
Nandun si Deo. Remember him? The really cute guy na drummer sa isang acoustic band dun called "Dreamcast"? Well... he was there. I don't know whether I should just disappear or what. I don't know if I should offer an excuse as to why I don't answer his calls. Nakokonsensya ako in a way. Kasi at first I acted like I was really interested in him, tapos nung ayan na sha, bigla nalang akong nawala. What can I do? Hindi naman talaga kami compatible. Gwapo sha, yun lang. Period. Pero aside from that, wala na eh.. wala na.
Ate Jing and I sat sa may gitna. And this certain guy na payat na cguro kasing tanda ko lang, nagparequest sa current band na nagpeperform to sing "Waiting in Vain" dedicated to the girl who has the sweetest smile in Brew's, na of course hindi ako kasi walang nakakakita sa akin kahit humalakhak ako dahil sa pader ako nakaharap. hahahahah! He was referring to Ate Jing! Later on, nagpadala yung guy ng note written on a tissue paper kay Ate Jing. It says, "Hi cutie, text me at blah blah blah..." Hahahahah! Nakakatawa.
At least naaliw si Ate Jing.. lagi nalang kasi shang malungkot eh. Dahil sa gagong asawa nya. Nakalimang baso ako ng Bailey's (my favorite next to Kiwi Margarita) coz like her, I felt depressed. Tapos kumanta si Deo ng "With or Without You"... Magaling pala sha kumanta nakaka-in love. Pero nagyaya na si Ate Jing na mag-iyakan daw kami sa loob ng base so umalis na kami kagad on the middle of his performance.
Nagpunta kami sa Sea Front... Nagshare ako ng mga saloobin, mga secrets.. why I wanted her to stop talking about Jayson.. Sha rin nag-share. Super bonding.. That moment, I knew our friendship we're meant to be.
Anyway plug ko lang ito para kay Ria: Nakita na ni Ate Jing si Kamil sa Sibil last May 28. At eto ang sinabi nya--- Mukha daw BUTIKING PASAY si Kamil, kaya wag ka na maoffend sa sinasabi ng ibang walang masabi, dahil definitely, magandang tao ka at hindi ka mukhang butiking sunog. Ok? Heheheheheh. =)
Mitch, nakita kita sa enrollment, hiniram pa nga no Brent pen mo eh, hehehe, hindi na nya naibalik, sa pasukan nalang daw... Nakapila ako when I saw you, when I looked back wala ka na. Lalapit sana ako sa iyo.=) Di bale, sa pasukan nalang. I hope you're right about the Mr. Right thing..
Rix, ayoko na nga maghintay kay Mr. Right eh. Siguraduhin lang nyang wag shang susulpot pag pagod na ako ha, heheheheh.=) Kasi hindi ko talaga sha tatanggapin.
"You had me at hello"? Diba that's the line from the Jerry Maguire movie? It was spoken by Renee Zellweger.Who are you ba, deadshot? Have we met?
That's all for now. I gotta go..
June 08, 2005 ~ 4:14 PM
To "Name Please", I agree with what you posted "for what seems to be the time it takes to find each other is the length of love enjoyed together." Oh, alright it's ok I wasn't saying you're my Mr. Right naman eh, heheheh.
To "friendless", I am not sure if Ria would still appreciate your comment. But thanks for being nicer and more polite this time. We would really like it if you become our friend.=) Peace.
To E.R. nagreply na ako sa mail mo friend, hope you'll reply kagad. Yup maraming mapagpanggap.. pero don't worry di naman ako magpapaloko.=) Thanks friend miss you..Nga pala si Angela nagtatampo sa akin coz wala daw ako time sa kanya makipagchat, sana kausapin mo sha na wag na magtampo kasi busy lang talaga ako this summer...
To "dead shot", I don't know you and I don't get what you mean. You've mistaken me for another girl. I am myself, and I've always been and I'm sorry, I don't think I read you right when you said I have to be myself for you to love me. Excuse me? Why would I want you to love me? I don't even know you.
To Ria, miss you nga eh.. Sobra. Di bale pasukan na next week. =) Ok lang, yun, magkikita-kita na uli tayo. Balik saya nanaman!=)
To Selvin, nice name! It's my first time to encounter such name, cool.=) Thanks for the compliment, how did you stumble in my blog? Sure we can be friends.=)
June 07, 2005 ~ 1:37 PM
Deadshot, who are you? You love me for the way I am? Thanks for that, but I can't understand what you mean. Put up an act? As in pretend so you could love me? I don't think I've done that kind of pretending... Would you please elaborate? Email me, voltairelovescarmela@yahoo.com. You do not have to introduce yourself if you don't want to.
Nameless, you're trying to find me? What's taking you so long? heheheheh.
E.R., sorry now lang ako nakablog, busy kasi these past few days. Si Gunter, wala na. Ayoko na sa kanya eh. Feeling ko hindi kami para sa isa't-isa. Sabi ko nga diba, si Patrick nga binasted ko eh, sha pa kaya na parehas lang sila? E.R. RULEZ!!!
Jam, miss you too, I was glad nakita na kita kanina.
Friendster, thanks so much ha? I wish I could meet you para makilala ka rin ng friends ko.=) Mwah.
Friendless, tabla ka na. Tablang tabla ka na heheheheh.
Bryan, thank you din.. Mwah *blush blush*
Ria, cool ka lang! =) Miss you! Ganda tayo okie, malayong malayo kay Kamil. =)
June 03, 2005 ~ 5:51 PM
Nothing much today... Just looking forward to dinner... I'm really starving now eh. Pero mas gusto ko pa magnet kesa kumain. Eh kasi naman... my mom and sis are in the church, si dad nasa office pa, si Ate Jing kasama baby boy nya... So I'm all alone... Hindi ko na tinetext si Gunter. Why should I? I have no feelings for him, it was all a big mistake.
Was I unfair?
It's either him, or me.
I couldn't be unfair to myself.
Mr. Right, asan ka na ba? Asan ka na ba? Dadating ka pa ba? Hihintayin pa ba kita? Buhay ka pa ba? Buhay ka na ba? Nauna ka na ba? Pagod ka na ba sa kakahanap sa akin?
Hay....
June 02, 2005 ~ 6:02 PM
This day is not so good. Ang daming pakialamera, ang daming nagbibida-bidahan, at ang daming manggagamit.
Asar ako sa friend kong Dentista, si Ate Jing. Guess what she did! Pinahiram nya ang CRV nya kay Danly. Paikot ikot ang sasakyan nya sa buong Olongapo sakay ang barkadang tanga ni Danly, kasama shempre si Jayson na ex ko. Anong kinagagalit ko? Magsasampa ng demanda na concubinage si Ate Jing sa asawa nyang may kabit. Pag nakita ng asawa nya na sha mismo maraming sakay na lalaki sa CRV nya, pwede shang i-counter charge at baka sha pa ang mademanda.
2nd, hindi sha dapat pumayag na magpagamit. Gasolina nya ang ginagamit nung mga hayop na lalaking yun para mamulot ng GRO o kung sino mang babae ang gusto nilang pulutin.
Kagulat-gulat kasi ilang beses ko pinablink blink yung corolla na dala ko kanina at nagbusi-busina pa ako kasi akala ko si Ate Jing yung nagdridrive. Pagbaba nung bintana, yung hayop na Danly pala.
Kasama ko nung yung secretary ng Dad ko, si Loida. Tinanong nya kung ano yung tinitingnan ko. Sabi ko, nakita ko ex ko (yun ang naisip ko imention kasi pag sinabi ko na si Danly, itatanong pa nya malamang kung sino si Danly at ayoko nang madagdagan pa ang usapan). So ginawa ko, nagpark ako sa tapat ng office ng dad ko. Bumaba na kami, at pagkababa sabi ko, "Punta lang ako sa clinic ni Doc", eh ang clinic ni Doc eh nasa tapat lang ng office ng dad ko. Biruin mo naman na gusto pa akong sundan at samahan. Sabi ko wag na.
Pagdating ko sa clinic ni Ate Jing, pinagalitan ko sha sa nangyari, insisting na bawiin nya ang sasakyan nya. Sabi nya "Eh inutusan ko rin naman sila gawin yung errands ko for me eh..." Sabi ko, kung ganon, bakit nakaparada lang sa labas ng AMA yung sasakyan nya kanina at nakita ko naman ngayon na paikot-ikot lang na parang nagjojoyride? Buti nalang may dala akong sasakyan, I had the opportunity para i-trail yung kotse nya.
Ang nagulat pa ako, pinadala ni Ate Jing yung ATM nya. Wow. Unbelievable. She hardly knew that Danly at pinagkatiwala nya ang ATM nya.
Biglang tumawag si Loida sa clinic. Pinapauwi na daw ako ng dad ko. Guess what, sinabi nya sa dad ko na si Jayson ay nasa clinic at ngayon pinagdududahan na ako ng dad ko na baka nagkakamabutihan nanaman kami. Gusto ko na talagang magsisigaw kanina. Sana nagstay nalang ako sa bahay.
Pero, kilala nyo naman ako eh. Hindi jan nagtatapos ang kwento. Si Gunter, yung german guy, nagpropose ng commitment last night. Di ko alam kung kakagatin ko ang offer or not. I said yes nalang, pero deep inside it's a NO. Ewan ko ba kung anong nakain ko at pumayag ako. Baka yung black forest ng Red Ribbon na binili ko. Obvious naman na walang chemistry. Saka ko na sha proproblemahin pagbalik ko ng Manila. Madali lang naman lusutan kung ayaw ko na eh. Kung magyayaya sha magkita, it's easy to turn down.
It's just a spur of the moment thing. I have no feelings for him. Nung binalita ko nga kay Ria, parang naguiguilty ako kasi sarili ko ang niloloko ko.
Ako?
May boyfriend na?
Yeah. Right. Parang may mali ata sa statement na yun. I'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life nga diba?
Si Ria nga din di makapaniwala eh. Eh di pa nga kami nagkikita nung Aleman na yun eh. Puro palitan lang ng mms pics sa phone.
Di ko nga mafeel ang kasiyahan o excitement na "committed" kuno na ako. Kanina pa nga yun text ng text hindi ko nirereplyan eh. Wala akong gana.
Bakit ba kasi ako pumayag sa pagmamadali nung Aleman na yun? Ano bang kinakatakot ko?
Ang hindi na dumating si Mr. Right?
Ang tumanda na nag-iisa?
Ano bang problema ko?
Ewan ko..
June 01, 2005 ~ 6:46 PM
I feel sick today...
Share ko lang ang mga pics ko ha? Heheheh...
Eto, sa Absinth Bar sa Greenbelt... Si Arthur ang kumuha nito...=)
Kasama ko jan si DJ JD ha, hindi sa Gunter. Hahahahaha! Bakit lahat ng kalbo magkakamukha? Heheheheh!=)
Wala lang ako magawa... heheheheh.... calling tha attention of Ms. Ria Hazel... may nang-iinsulto nanaman sa iyo sa blog ko heheheheh...=)
Anyway, nakita ni Doc si Bingot sa Brew's Bistro. Ang laki daw talaga ng ilong ni Kamil, nagniningning sa kalakihan hahahahah.=) Kaya Ria relax, inaasar ka lang talaga ni friendless kasi wala shang friend, hahahahah!=) Maraming nagsasabi na pangit si kamil at di mo kamukha, relax ka lang jan...=)
Pssst. Wag mag-away sa blog ko. Bryan, who are you ba? Thanks sa pagtatanggol mo.=) Nasa'yo support namin. Go Go Go!=)
I am a confused girl who is trapped between the past and the present
