I was enraged. It's not funny being backstabbed by someone whom you trusted. And the worst thing is you did not trust that person because you wanted to but because you felt the necessity to include her in what you do because you have to.

But you know, when she stood there, explaining why she did it, apologizing, teary-eyed, I felt something in me tingle. It's a sensation that I so hate, but I guess it what makes me human. It makes me think something like, "Hey, I just swore to the heavens above that I will forever despise this person for what she did to me, then what am I doing talking and listening to her?" But the situation has put me there, there's no turning back, I have to listen to her because I have to, not because I want to, because I must give her a chance, because maybe just maybe she'll realize how awful what she did to me was. And I guess she did, I do not know, really. I am sort of confused.

Right then and there I felt like we're some sort of high school girls. What she did was so0o0o high school. But what had hurt me was she made a comment, a nasty one at that, behind my back, so I had the urge to expose her too, I had to. And can you believe it, she barely even knew me. BARELY.

I am so pressured with everything... school work, I mean. I haven't started writing my articles for Sports Jrn, although I have made 4 features. Yep, four. 2 coaches, one varsity player, and one national team player. That's for softball and baseball na.

Broadjrn, I could't start pa on it, kasi the segment producers haven't passed anything to me yet... sa super dami kasi ng ginagawa talagang hindi na maharap ng mga tao. Taxation, isa pa yan. Di ko maintindihan kasi halong daldalan palagi, si Ria din lagi tumatalikod sa amin ni Jam para makipagdaldalan, she must be very bored kasi hindi rin sha kinakausap ni Brent who is seated beside her (in front of me) kasi kelangan talaga ng full attention sa subject na yun. Well it is not easy as in NOT EASY to give full attention sa taxation dahil ang hina ng voice ni Sir Chua, he's barely audible, nakakaantok ang subject, and his jokes do not help even a bit. So we really don't have any choice but makipagdaldalan to stay awake (aside from three cups of coffee).

Lit critic, wow Ma'am, saludo ako sa pagpapahirap nyo sa buhay namin. Ayoko na magcomment, bawal kasi magmura sa blog eh. Pero since you always say this line "Ano ba talagang problema mo sa buhay mo?," pwede ko ba ibalik sa iyo ang tanong, if you know what I mean.

Ma'am Rivera, ano ba talaga ang problema mo sa buhay mo at kelangan pa kami madamay?

I haven't done anything for Advocacy Journ... yet. I haven't interviewed anyone pa. Arghhh. Full-blown article daw. Kung bomba nalang kaya ipasa ko para masaya...

So yun. Yun ang mga dapat kong harapin.

Oh and before I forget! Thesis pa! Yahoo! Wow! Hindi pa kami nakakapag-analyze at pasahan na a week from now. Good luck sa amin talaga. Yang lecheng SPSS 10.0 for windows na yan, it's pushing me para basagin ang pc ko.

Huhuhuh... Tama yan, dito ako maglabas ng sama ng loob. It's helpful.. Breathe in *"hmppphhh"* breathe out *"whoooosh"*

At last. I could really really REALLY blog. It's been a while and I know people were wondering why I haven't entered any sensible posts for a long time. As if I've ever entered one.. Well..

I feel like I am floating today. I woke up startled by Anne and Schuy's text marathon.. We've had some misunderstanding last night which we decided to settle probably over coffee tonight.

My head is afloat not only because I lack sleep but because this certain issue does not and I believe it would never get out of my mind until it is solved.

How could life be like that?

Is it truly a sin to trust people who are in the first place not worthy of your trust but sadly you'd only find that out in the end... when it's already too late?

There is such thing as Situation Ethics.. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do because the situation and the instances call for it, not because you are weak. Why can't other people understand that?

For the past few days I walk like a zombie. Feeling for someone who doesn't know that I care for her, that I do understand how she feels. I wonder how that person would react if she finds out that I already know and I am willing to help her whichever option she chooses.

Anyway... I feel like I'm going to collapse. This lack of sleep is irritating. Really.

With pending projects and all. Grrr.

Funny but I now like Baseball. Yeah I'm telling the truth! I know I said I hated it before but now... When Coach Roberto Itugarda of the Blu Girls (National Team of Softball Women's Division) said, "Kailangan namin kayo (referring to Jam, Badet and I coz he knew we'd be journalists one day)," I was so touched. .. I felt like crying in the Philippine Sports Commission.

Go baseball. Die basketball. Yeah!

I feel bad that Ria didn't make it in the Circle of 12 sa AB Songfest, pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman nya kelangan mapasama doon, alam naming lahat na she's a good singer, wala shang kailangang patunayan dahil napatunayan na nya. Proud parin ako sa kanya, nasasaktan ako nung nakita ko sha na naiyak kasi I don't want her to feel like a failure coz she's definitely not.

This day is a typical day, except that hindi nagpaparamdam si Ron buong araw. I'm used to this naman, magparamdam lang sha kung kelan nya feel, wala nalang sa akin yun, he's not my boyfriend anyway so I shouldn't feel bad. May sari-sarili kaming buhay, business nya tapos school ko. Kaya hindi sa manhid ako, wala na lang talaga akong pakialam.

Funny how sometimes wala ka namang ginagawa, nananahimik ka, tapos biglang may isang tao na hindi mo inaano pero pinaplastik ka pala at nagagawa pang magMAKE FACE kapag nakatalikod ka, hindi nya alam na yung mga kaibigan ng taong ginaganon nya nakikita sha. Sa mga kaklase kong makakabasa ng blog ko, cguro kilala nyo na ang tinutukoy ko, dahil obvious naman ang ginagawa nya. Ang masasabi ko lang, hindi ko alam kung anong problema nya sa buhay nya, kung insecure sha o ano, dahil wala akong ginagawa sa kanya at alam ng lahat ng friends ko sa class na nananahimik ako at wala akong ginagawa sa kanya.

To you miss, wag kang duwag. Wag ka ring plastik. Kung may problema ka sa akin, sabihin mo ng harapan, dahil oras na ako mismo ang makahuli sa iyo na nagmamake face ka sa akin dahil napadikit ka sa gamit ko o hinawakan mo bag mo, baka masampal kita. Pagod na akong makipag-away sa mga taong magugulat nalang ako inaaway ako na hindi ko naman inaano. Minsan na akong napagbintangan sa mga hindi ko ginawa, like nung first year, nagkaron kami ng conflict ni __________ na friend ko na ngayon, kasi may nagsabi na may sinabi daw ako about her na hindi ko naman sinabi ever kundi si Maricar Cervo ang nagsabi dahil yun ang galit sa kanya at hindi ako, in fact isa lang ako sa mga pinagsabihan ni Maricar kaya ewan ko kung bakit ako ang napagbintangan (I'm glad tapos na yun), at nung napagbintangan kami nila Ria and Brent ni __________ about sa hate mail, na hindi rin namin ginawa, pero shempre past na ito, I'm just stating it for the purpose of giving an example.

Kaya pwede ba, tumigil ka nalang at manahimik sa isang tabi? Nakakapagod eh. Kung wala kang magawa, buhay mo asikasuhin mo wag ka mandamay ha! Kasi sa totoo lang di ako bababa sa level mo para awayin ka. At alam narin nila Ria, Brent, Jam, Badet ang ginawa mo dahil sila rin mismo ang nakakita. Baka pag mukha mo ang ginaya ko especially ang ________ mo maoffend ka talaga dahil ehem naman ha? Puleezzzz.

Tama na nga, dito nanaman ako sa blog nanggigigil. Hay.

Isa pa, yung dating editor sa MPH, na nangangarir sa akin na may girlfriend na, totally deadma to death ko kasi nga nakakababa naman sa sarili yun, feeling nya papatulan ko pa sha eh may gf nga sha, alam nyo yun, tapos hindi ko talaga sha pinapansin. Dati kasi binigay ko number ko sa kanya, pero nagpalit na ako at hindi ko binigay sa kanya. We never met personally pa pero he kept on asking me out. Everyday cguro yun, magsesend sha ng message sa YM, hindi ko sha pinapansin, minsan naman tatarayan ko sha na "Pwede ba asikasuhin mo muna gf mo bago mo ako kausapin?" kasi nakakapikon nga naman talaga, dapat yung mga ganung klaseng lalaki pinapatay eh. Kawawa yung gf nila hindi alam ganun ginagawa nila. Kesyo nagkakalabuan na daw sila, whatever. Ayon, kanina namgessage uli sa YM, eh di tinarayan ko nanaman, sabi ko "Wala ka ba talagang magawa sa buhay mo?" Sabi ba naman sa akin, "Don't give yourself too much credit, for your information you're not that pretty." Tapos naglog out na para di ako makareply.

Hindi ako na-offend sa sinabi nya eh, hello, lahat ng lalaking tinarayan ko yan ang sinasabi sa akin eh. Ang nainis ako, parang ang lumalabas eh nagpapahabol effect ako sa kanya! Pucha! Hindi ba sha makagets! Hindi ako si Ms. 2nd hand, na papatol sa isang taken na guy. Hindi nya ba matanggap yun na ayoko, ayoko, ayoko at ayoko at hindi ako nagpapakipot lang o nagmamaganda? Hindi rin ako nagmamafeeling. Hindi ko sha pinapansin dahil ayoko tlga sha pansinin per se, saka isa shang walang kwentang disloyal na lalaki sa gf nya, yun ang dahilan, it has nothing to do with being pretty or not. Hoy Jayvee Fernandez. Alam kong nagpupunta ka sa blog ko, asshole ka. Imemessage ko sa multiply ang gf mo na editor din para sabihin na may gf ka na, naghahanap ka pa. Kawawa lang gf mo sa iyo. Kahit editor ka pa o kung ano man, wala akong respeto sa iyo.

Anyway, malamang kaya ka natanggal sa MPH kasi stupido ka, isa kang tonto. Hindi lahat ng babae makukuha mo, at hindi lahat sasakyan ang katarantaduhan mo.

Iba na talaga ang panahon ngayon. Kahit umupo ka lang siguro sa isang tabi, magugulat ka may kaaway ka na.

This is my blog. So I have every right in the world to write here what I think and how I feel.