October 31, 2005 ~ 7:45 PM
Personality Disorder Test Results
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tests by similarminds.com
My personality disorders are:
Histrionic- 86%, Borderline- 70%, and Dependent-74%
I did not have eccentric personality disorders but I did have dramatic and anxious personality disorders.
Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.
Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.
Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.
Well the table was incomplete though... so I just narrated the rest.
Oh, oh... I've been gone for a really long time. 3 days to be exact. (Is that long?)
Well, schizos keep on pestering my blog, flooding my taggy with their unsolicited opinions. Why don't they just mind their business and let me live? Am I that important to them or do they love me that much? Oooh, I'm so touched..Aww..
Anyway, I am so happy that all of my friends got good grades. I feel bad though for some who don't deserve to get bad grades but they did. I hope they've already straightened it out with our profs. It is unfair for them, really.
I am so glad Brent's a DL again, it means everything he did, his efforts and all, paid off. Well Brent, I know you read my posts so lemme tell you that I miss you so much and I am so ready for the oral defense. (gulp)
Well, I went to Manila last Friday right. I went out with this guy, it turned out well. Then on Saturday, I enrolled with Jam and Badet, we stood in line for 3 hours, imagine that? Good thing the guards called out all the seniors and another line was made for us (we were prioritized, goodie!) so the hell of waiting for so long ended. We were really hungry, so afterwards we went to SM San Lazaro and as always I ate like a pig.
When I got back to the dorm, I just slept and slept and slept until... I was jerked awake by some force... a dark force... No, make that a dark 3rd floor with no lights on.
And I realized. It's nighttime, and I am ALL ALONE in the 3rd floor. I went out and turned on the lights on the hallway. I knocked on all the doors I see to check if I really was the only person there. And oh, I really was alone. I went down, called Ria. Then I watched the Magandang Gabi Bayan Horror Special with a few people from the 1st floor. Bad move. I was kept awake all night, paranoid that ghosts would come knocking on my door. I slept with my lights on. Bad move again. I woke up with a head ache. And I decided that I can't stay in the dorm. I will lower my pride and go home to Olongapo tomorrow.
So I did, after hearing Mass with him and eating lunch, then trying to catch sleep for an hour, I went home. It really felt weird riding a bus, it's been a while since I rode in one. I was lucky coz I knew some people in the bus, some old friends, so in spite of the nausea that kept doning on me, I was happily chatting with them.
Well of course, I did not go to Ate Jing's party that Satruday night. You all know why right. She called me that Sunday just as him and I were having lunch in Chef d' Angelo's.
"Girl kaloka ka! Naku nagmamahal parin hahaha!"
"Huh bakit? Kamusta, anong nangyari sa bday mo?"
"Napaka-malisyoso ng galaw, nagbabakasakali baka nandun ka! Hahahah!"
"Talaga, heheh."
"Biniro ko sabi ko dadating na si Carmela, sabi ba naman alis na po ako."
"Ganun."
"Hindi lang yun! Sabi ni Doy sa akin, Doc, sabi po ni Jayson ang ganda ganda mo daw po kamukha mo si Carmela! Sabi ko sorry boy, mas maganda ako don! Hahahah!"
"WHAT? Sinabi nya yun? Di nga?"
"Ah, parang ayaw mo atang kamukha kita ha?"
"Hindi yun! I mean, sinabi nya YUN?!"
"Oo nga, sabi namin ni Jocel, ay nagmamahal pa ito, kahit saan tumingin, si Carmela ang nakikita. Hahaha, panalo ka girl! Cheers!"
Well I don't know what to say. Ate Jing and I definitely don't look alike. But why did he say that? It sent shivers down my spine in a good way and I uh don't like it...
It's been a while. Been a very long while. Do I still have anything for him? Oh, oh. This is the thing I fear most.
I ignore the feeling yet it keeps on coming back. He keeps on coming back. And he ruins everything, my life, my mind, confuses me, distracts me... Oh, oh... My friends will strangle me for this...
Why oh why am I still affected? I deliberately did not go to that party and now I am regretting that I didn't. I could have seen his face, seen his reaction when he sees me, seen how he moved so conciously, but I chose not to because it's the right thing. Is it?
I don't know. I don't know. I do have a big problem and it's not anger management like those schizophrenics claim that I do have just because they read a few of my posts then concluding like stupid assholes what kind of a person I am. It's not knowing what I really want. It's my fear of being in a situation when I have to choose. It's doing what I shouldn't have done and not doing what I should have done.
Oh so for those assholes out there who keep on minding my life and business, I am not a celebrity which you have to bug and pester all the time. If you have lots of time in the world, better not spend it with me. This is my blog, I can turn it into a hate blog or a love blog all at once. What do you care what I do? If it irritates you, then go read other blogs. Admit it, you're drawn to my posts. You wanna know what's going on in my life. You wanna see if I'm sad and that'll make you very happy. Oh haters. You might be all anonymous to me right now but not for long.
Like vultures, you'll wait until I'm weak and attack me when I am unguarded. Oh sorry you fools, it's not gonna work with me.
Akala ko tumigil na ang mga ganyan, hindi pa pala. Mitch and Liz, I fear for all of us. They're BACK!!!
October 26, 2005 ~ 10:19 PM
I think commentarista1 and 2, lagarista, and guitarista, is just one person suffering from a psychotic disease called schizophrenia. Tsk tsk tsk...
Anyway, my belly's bloated because of the swimming pomodoro, cheese and onion soup, fish and chips, smoked fish sandwich, watermelon shake and banana shake. Yes, I've eaten them all (well I shared it actually with my older sister).
I've already seen my grades and all I can say is... Thank you Lord. You are so kind to me and I'll be forever grateful.=) I love all my Professors, even the ones I hated, thanks so much for the wonderful grades.=)
My dad's still dancing behind my back. Oh. Anyway.
One sem to go. I must not let anything distract me next semester. I can almost feel my goal on my fingertips... Like touching E.T. Align... Align... Align...
Oh oh, come on guys, you're too fast! You're already concluding... Well well... Come what may...
My stomach's grumbling, oh my, am I hungry again? My brother said there's a chocolate pudding in the freezer.. Yum! Gotta go!
I woke up at around 11 a.m. My eyebags are a bit swollen. I scurried on to my PC to check out my grades but it still isn't available. What the hell is wrong with UST anyway?
Napaparanoid na ako. My dad keeps asking how my grades are. I keep on saying that UST hasn't posted it yet, and I think he's getting suspicious of me. Truth is, I am not really confident with what the results would be, I know I really messed up last semester. You all know how I became addicted to gimmicks and late-night coffees, going home at nearly dawn and sleeping all the way until, clang clang clang, it's time to go to school.
My sister entered my room and told me she wants to go shopping and if I want to come along. Not that there are shopping malls here, just a bunch of department stores which sell divisoria-made clothes for twice the price. But I guess I needed to get fresh air. Anyway, for those who had stumbled on my blog for the first time, I'm currently in Subic, bumming around.
In response to guitarista's tag, I guess I am a little sourgraping... Well more of hurt, yeah. I think it's a part of the pain that I feel, though it's not as intense as the past few weeks. I'm actually okay now, maybe it helps that I met someone new. Everything's been a cycle. Somebody hurts you, you meet someone else, the pain goes away.
Well my point for posting his pic is for my other friends, who are curious, to know who I am talking about. Nothing else. Not to shame him or anything, aside for telling all the people who read my blog what he did to me.
Attack him.. it could have been so much better if he knew what I was doing. Until the very end, my pride got the hold of me. I never showed him my emotions.
Anyway, the UST-Med guy who was also the most intelligent guy I've ever met, asked me out. This would surely surprise most of my friends because only after exchanging about 20 text messages with him and being awed by his ability to have a great conversation did the thought of checking all his pictures in friendster cross my mind. In other words, I no longer care about what he looks like, all I care about is how he thinks, how he speaks, everything which is not physical but inner.
Is that an indication of being mature? I don't know. I really don't care. There are two sides of me, the immature Carmela and the mature Carmela.
When I am impulsive, deciding without thinking, putting myself to danger without having second thoughts, blabbing non-stop without self-censorship, then wham! You've met the immature Carmela.
When I am rational, logical, careful with my words, considering how the other person feels, putting my emotions behind and doing what's right, then congratulations, you've met the mature Carmela.
Oh and by the way, I am so happy that everyone passed in Literary Criticism. After all we've been through, I am glad that Ma'am Rivera saw our efforts.
I guess I have said enough.. La la la... gotta go.
October 25, 2005 ~ 7:00 PM
I tried to check my grades. Sadly, it's still not available. Lumang grades lang ang lumalabas. Well, I'm here again in Subic. I kinda missed my room here kaya ok lang... My own personal space.
I think I should comment on what commentarista had tagged on my taggy (the redundancy is given).
Was it unfair to him?
Posting his pic on my blog and calling him a jerk is nothing compared to the pain he caused me. Maybe you should read my previous posts so you can understand. I think you'd do the same if someone lied to you and made you fall in love just to learn that he's getting married soon. People outside my little world would never understand but I hope you would just as my friends do.
Ria, I wasn't able to enroll. System's down kanina so hindi sila makaka-encode. We all went home. Enrollment's going to be on the 29th. Bummer. Bday ni Ate Jing that night so uuwi nanaman ako ng Subic. Hindi ko nga alam kung pupunta ako coz Jayson and his gang would be there, panira ng gabi. Hay hay... Pagudan ako non. Unbelievable talaga ang UST... Miss you.
I miss Brent too pero hindi ko na sha nakita ulit after we went to get our clearance... I heard what's going on with him. I feel bad that I couldn't comfort him.
I'm currently exchanging text messages with this UST- Med guy who is the most sensible and intelligent man I've ever met. I love having intense conversations with him, that's how we both call it. Mind-boggling, brain-freezing conversations about life.
October 22, 2005 ~ 6:03 PM
I am so touched sa support and encouragement na pinapakita nyo... Mitch, Liz and Brent...
Wala na kaming communication, I guess he finally saw na I mean what I said na I don't want him in my life anymore...
It's really boring here in Olongapo.. I miss Manila, I miss school. Kung wala lang dito family ko matagal ko nang binaon sa limot ang lugar na ito eh.
Lahat walang kwenta, pati mga tao, they're so dull and boring, living life like it's an HBO movie... they're all trapped in a false reality. From here, parang walang kwenta at mababaw ang mga nagaganap na kaguluhan sa Mendiola.
I actually packed my bags na. Sa Monday kasi babalik ako jan, hanggang Tuesday, until after ng enrollment. Dadalhin ko na lahat ng clothes ko. Lahat nga ng iiwan ko skirts eh. Heheeh. Now nakaskirt ako na mahaba kasi I already packed my jeans. Akala tuloy ng kuya ko may date ako or something kasi ang formal ko.
Wala rin kwenta ang internet connection dito. Walang saysay ang magkaroon ng PC sa bahay kasi ang bagal doon, 2 lng ang internet cards na available sa gapo. Walang DNS kasi walang PLDT o Bayantel, PILTEL lang. Walang kwenta tlga ang lugar na ito.
So eto nanaman ako, lumabas ng bahay, nag-iinternet sa isang super hindi comfy na cafe na "1st class" cafe na supposedly.
Oh my.
And my dad actually wants me to stay here and work here after graduation.
"Dad anong gagawin ko dito, maging PR ni Gordon?" I asked him sarcastically.
I only have two options. Work in this damn place after graduation or go to law school. Wala akong mapili sa dalawa. My dad insists I go to law school.
He really thinks na ang tali-talino ko. Being a consistent Dean's Lister in UST does not mean na magaling ako. And nakita ko kung anong pinagdaanan ng mga kuya ko, I don't wanna go through that.
When I brought up a discussion about my future as a Journalist, my dad will say na I am going to earn a measly income and that will not propel the kind of lifestyle he provides me.
Okay fine. Barahin ba ako.
Anyway, nandito na sundo ko... gotta go.
October 20, 2005 ~ 12:02 AM
I've been very vague.. Marami na kasing nangyari sa buhay ko and you guys weren't able to catch up na..
Let me just summarize them for you.
September:
Walang nangyari sa "Ron and Carmela" relationship (actually there was no relationship) because I made him realize na wala kaming pupuntahan, it's just not meant to be. It's selfish but I made him choose, ako o barkada nya. Long story.
Gimik. Gimik. Name it. Heidi, Mc, Eunice... Schuy, Anne. Lahat. Gimik.
ADIK NA KO SA KAGIGIMIK NUNG SEPTEMBER!!!
Ang dami ko naneglect. Studies. Ikaw kaya madepressed. Yung tipong magigising ka ng 11 ng gabi tapos marerealize mo na "God, if I do not go out I'll die!!!"
Schuy and I became really close. Bonding todo.
October:
Finals.
I met Paulo. I fell in love with him and he admitted to me after exchanging I love you's that he's getting married next year.
Schuy and I had a fight, our first major fight but now we're okay. I'm glad.
Sembreak, I'm here in Olongapo, anticipating the worst situation of being face to face with Jayson.
Gimmick tomorrow with Ate Jing, my bestfriend/dentist.
Right now, it's midnight. Di ako makatulog. Feeling so depressed. Why can't I have something real? Magmamahal ka just to find out that it was never meant to be in the first place. Di pwedeng ipilit kasi lalabas akong masama, mang-aagaw, lahat na.
Life's full of shit you know. Shit in gold wrapper.
Wahh. Sakit na ng ulo ko. My sister asked me to create an itzamatch account for her so I did.
I won't cry. I am not going to make other people happy by crying.
October 19, 2005 ~ 9:41 PM
I'm getting married next year... I did not want to tell you because I wanted to settle it first...
Bull shit. Why is he telling me this?
Why did he lie to me?
I love you. Before you came to my life I thought it was okay to marry someone that my parents said I should. When you came, everything's changed...
Bull shit. Everything he says are bull.
But why are tears streaming down my face?
Could I let him go? He lied to me!
I was so furious that I did not realize I was shaking.
I was falling in love with him... With this good-looking yuppie.
Have you ever tried to throw a rock and catch it at the same time?
That's exactly how I feel right now. I've blindly invested my emotions on him and now I couldn't take it back... I can't catch myself.. and I can't keep myself from feeling so overthrown.
I love you... I love you, really. I thought now I could fall in love again, freely, truly, deeply. I have waited for this moment..
He's 27, I'm 19. Just right. Perfect. Great match...
So I thought.
My disappointment is so high I'm sure the angels in heaven are so disturbed.
Go ahead.. Marry her. You are just confused.
Yeah. I'm letting him go. I think he's begging me. Asking me to take risk with him. I remember saying no with muffled cries.
Dead Stars by Nick Joaquin. That's it. She's Esperanza and I'm who? Shit. I don't give a damn.
October 11, 2005 ~ 12:15 PM
I was.
WAS.
In love.
It was a short, before-sunrise thing. I know right then and there that it was never meant to last. He's 27, I'm 19. Whew. The age gap says it all. Though he looks young.. he's good-looking. Very intelligent. Rich? (I can count that too but I really don't care) and we both love to travel.
I thought I could be more than a travelling companion. Maybe make him forget his previous relationship. The hell, who am I kidding. I am probably using him too to forget my own past. Or you could say, "was probably using him."
I did not like him for HIM. I think.
The first time I saw him, in his car, outside my dorm... he, waiting for me.. I said "Wow" and mumbled my ex's name. That damn name. I said it aloud and my heart screeched.
He reminds me of HIM. His nose, his lips, his smile. Would I let him kiss me tonight? I don't know. But yeah, I know I would. That was the first thing which crossed my mind when he looked at me admiringly.
And last night. Last night, I knew, was the last of all nights. Last kiss, yeah I had let him kiss me, just a smack, a one-second meaningless smack which probably meant "goodbye, we're really not meant for each other and everything was a mistake but nice knowing you anyway." It was simply closing my eyes, thinking of my ex, feeling the kiss as if it were my ex who was kissing me.
As simple as that.
I kept on convincing myself that it was as SIMPLE as that.
But no. Again, I lost in this stupid game. I fell again. I had started investing my emotions on a guy I barely even know.
The heck, we even had the same last name.
I don't even know if it really was his last name. Was I listening to him? No. I was just staring at his face, staring... GLARING.
God, please make him love me.
I am so fucking sick and tired of this game.
Next month, who'll be next?
Is there a next?
My last words to him were, "I know this is wrong but I find myself emotionally attached to you."
He did not say anything. I know what that meant. His silence meant, "This is one heck of a crazy girl, what am I doing here and why was I ever attracted to this girl who could not keep herself from falling faster than expected?"
I'M ONLY HUMAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
My brain cells were practically screaming at him! But my mouth was shut. SHUT. ZIPPED.
I just looked outside the car window and a tear fell from my eye.
I did not want him to see me weeping... that stupid sorrowful look on my face.
I wiped the tears away, went back to being poised and majestic.. authoritative... and said...
"I want to go home. I still got an exam tomorrow. Hey, I wasn't serious when I said I was falling for you, I was just kidding."
Then I plastered that smile, that award-winning smile as if I were the happiest girl alive.
I am a confused girl who is trapped between the past and the present
