November 17, 2005 ~ 5:15 PM
I am here in M@i Cafe... Of course, the hunk was here (Erwin? I think..) And guess what, my flirt dormmates are all here, wearing their skimpy tees and micro shorts, flirting with the guy, asking him his name, age, cell number! Can you believe it! And here I am, keeping all my yucky desires because I know how improper it is to do what they're doing but they don't give a damn even if all the other customers are looking at them with shame and disgust...
Well... At least they're from some other schools, I doubt if a UST student would do anything as cheap as that.
The Pirana dismissed us early today. Good. I was really so sleepy, yeah yeah, I was sleeping again in class.
Lola Luisa died last Tuesday evening, I cried discreetly in class. I know I should be happy for her but I couldn't because it's hard to let go, especially when I just saw her last Sunday. She had pneumonia, and she kept saying, "Hindi ko na kaya.." It's like all of a sudden, she didn't have the reason to fight anymore... it wasn't exactly giving up but more of... letting God take her pain and suffering away.
I'll really miss her. Last night was her first night of burol... it's in St. Peter's Funeral Homes along Quezon Ave. It was sort of a reunion... Everyone was there sa side ng mom ko, aunts and uncles, distant relatives of my mom I've never met, and of course, my kid cousins were fighting over me, they were urging me to tell horror stories so I did.. it felt stupid telling horror stories in front of my lola's coffin but well, they're kids and they want to scare themselves so fine.=)
My brother and I went to Glorietta 3 also to arrange some things there, then we ate lunch at The Soup Kitchen, it's fabulous especially for a soup lover like me, you should try it, they have all the never-heard nor tasted soups... After that we satisfied our craving for ice cream with dippin' dots.
Then I went to Powerbooks. I bought this book by Thomas Huxley, you probably heard of it, Man's Place in Nature. I'll spend my nights reading that and hopefully it will add to my brain library.
11 days before my birthday. It feels weird and depressing, the fact that I'm old, I'm officially an adult soon. I should make plans this weekend, plans which would make my remaining teenage days memorable.=)
November 14, 2005 ~ 1:36 PM
I had lunch with my childhood "sweetheart". Oh you know, we were still little kids way way back, yung tipo na kasama mo pa maglangit-lupa at magmonkey monkey nung elementary days...
He's still as handsome as before. Like me bigla siyang nawala nung highschool sa Olongapo.. I haven't seen him for 8 years. It was pure coincidence na nagkita pa kami ulit. I thought he was dead or something.
Nagpunta sha sa dorm na puro bandage, at ika-ika maglakad. He had a motorcycle accident last Saturday night. He walked really funny but I think somehow it was compensated by his face. Heheheh.
We reminisced the past, nagkwentuhan kung sino na ang mag-on sa batch namin, kung sino mga niligawan nya before, kung may naging bf ako sa Gapo, and we both realized that neither of us felt like we do belong in that city. It was this alienated feeling that keeps both of us from always going home. Finally, someone understands how it feels.
Anyway, it was just an hour of eating and chatting. It really felt weird. I couldn't stare at him. He never knew he was my childhood crush, and I was paranoid that he would find that out if he looked into my eye. I was glad he was willing to share everything about his life, most guys are liars, either afraid to share what's going on in their lives or just ashamed of it. But he was honest, hesitated for most of the time (he was ashamed that he was a PMI graduate) and he felt really inferior, knowing I'm from UST, but since he was having this training for seamen in the Philippine Nautical Institute, I kinda have guessed he was from PMI. He did not deny it when I asked but said that I shouldn't tell our other batchmates about it. I promised of course, though I did not understand what's so embarassing about being a future Seaman.
He has older sisters, sina Ate Pamela and Ate Pauline, twins, who were my sister's bestfriends when they were in elementary. Well I don't know what's the thing about my sister but she had 3 twins for her bestfriend sa buong buhay nya. It's a good thing she was never confused who's who.
His sisters were really intelligent, graduate ng UP, cum laude. He said it was the reason why he's embarassed, he's always compared to his sisters.
Anyway, he said he was hoping we could see each other again, I said sure, okay, but mas maganda kung magpagaling muna from his sprains and dislocations.
Oh before you think there's more to it than that, lemme tell you now that we're just friends. And I mean it.
November 07, 2005 ~ 4:22 PM
Woah. The first day of the last semester of my college years.
Was a Dean's Lister again last semester. God had really been good to me. Would He be as kind to me this semester? Maybe.. If I continue obeying Him.
So no more distractions for me.. No boys, no clubbing (?).
Last Saturday, I had a funny encounter with Jayson. Yeah, I know, you must be fumbling on the mouse now, wanting to leave my blog. For the nth time, I'm talking about him again.
It was nothing really. I was driving for my dad, nasa may Ulo ng Apo na kami, this blue pajero na naka-park sa may dunkin donuts umaatras, I gave way, without thinking tiningnan ko yung plate number and it's ZGR 888. I mouthed an, "Oh," then looked at the pajero's windshield. I saw him, I'm sure he saw me too, he knew our Adventure. He was wearing a blue shirt, I think it was the shirt he wore on our 1st date? I don't know. I pressed on the gas. The moment was brief, yet it had a lasting effect on me.
"Dad, si Jayson yun," I said.
"O so?"
"Wala lang. I'm glad he saw me. Sabi kasi nya dati tanga daw ako hindi na ako matututo magdrive."
At least kahit sa mababaw na dahilan napakita ko na I wasn't as stupid as he thought I was.
Anyway, this day was not the typical 1st day of school wherein mushy ang lahat due to the long sembreak na hindi nagkita kita ang mga tao. Heheh. Absent ang prof sa 1st subject namin, Brent did not go to class. I wonder where he is right now. We're all wondering. Miss ko na sha and he knows it. So many stories to share.
Well anyway, I woke up really late, 12:00 pm, though I slept at around midnight naman. Meaning to say, I've been in dreamland for 12 hours. Before meeting up with Ria in SM San Lazaro, nag-internet muna ako sa tapat ng Dorm, the cafe which used to be Bootcamp but now it's Mai Cafe, anyway it's not part of my story.=)
May crush kasi ako dun. Heheh. Ok fine, moving on..
Nung nagkita kami ni Ria, it felt like the good old times na nagmamalling kami. Chikahan, chismisan, ulit. I couldn't believe that school's gonna be over soon. Sabi ko nga sa kanya, walang kalimutan samin even after graduation. There are different kinds of friends kasi. There are those na friends lang kayo pag nagkikita kayo, meron naman yung mababaw lang ang pinagsamahan, meron naman yung kulang na ang isang araw kapag hindi mo nakikita or nakakausap.
Pag nakakarinig ako ng Graduation March, kinikilabutan ako. In a sad way, okay, not the "halloween" way. See, I don't know what to do with my life. I know I have a direction but that direction was unclear.
Before I forget, I saw Paolo in UST kanina, with a bunch of friends. I don't know what the hell they were doing in there, on the way kasi ako naglalakad papuntang sakayan ng jeep. At first he was a blur, malabo na kasi mata ko. Then when he was about a few feet away from me, I recognized his stupid dimples and the way he was snickering at his friend like he had heard the funniest thing in the whole world, I wouldn't forget that. Pero nakakatawa kasi when I saw him, inisip ko kagad, "What was his name?"
Nasa may UST Hospital ako nun, palabas ng Lacson, bigla ako sumuot sa may gate ng grade school para lang hindi nya ako makita. I really don't want him to see me. I don't know why, I just don't want to. Whew. I hope I won't have any future encounters with him again. It's not comfortable knowing he could be where I am anytime.
Ria would say, "Kapag wala kang boyfriend, hanap ka ng hanap! Pag nandiyan na, ayaw mo naman! Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo ha Carmela Gonzales?!?!?"
Well. That's what my problem is. I don't know what I want. And I hope that "someone" out there would understand that I am not ready for anything yet.. He should just move on without me. (I'm really sorry.)
Brent, Brent, where are you? Uno ka pala sa LitCritic ha, halimaw ka pala eh! Heheh. Ako naman you won't believe this, aside from the flat one grades for both thesis and practicum, 1.25 ako sa Pinoy Journ, yun ang highest ko sa subjects. =) Would you believe that? Hehehe. I thought I was going to fail that course, but I didn't.
Jama, Jama, naku wag nang patulan kung ano man ang mababasa mo sa tagboard ko. Nagpapapansin lang yan kasi walang epekto sa akin mga pananakot nya.=)
Gotta get this published na and attend to other accounts.=)
November 04, 2005 ~ 9:57 PM
I am tired. Just got home.
We're currently watching BattleStar Galactica Movie Marathon in Cinemax. You guys should check it out, I find it more amusing than AXN's Total Recall. It's obviously Sci-Fi, about Cylon Robots annihilating Humans in Planet Caprica, Earth's long been extinct by the way... The effects were great, I think they spent millions of dollars producing those 10 wonderful episodes for Cinemax. =)
I'm sleepy. I only got less than 48 hours in Olongapo. Should I be glad? Dunno..
Well, gotta go.=)
November 02, 2005 ~ 9:26 AM
My mom woke me up early this morning coz my inaanak MJ was here. I didn't realize how time really flies so fast, he's 5 and he's taller than his age. He's in Grade 1. The moment he saw me, nagbless sha, then eagerly said, "Ninang gusto ko sa Pasko laruan na may remote control..."
Without thinking I said okay. I asked what kind of toy na may remote control.
"Gusto ko kotse."
"Okay. Sa Pasko. Basta dadalawin mo ako." I smiled down at him.
"Meron pa Ninang, gusto ko ng machine robot."
That moment, I didn't care anymore if promising to him would cost me a fortune. I just didn't want to disappoint him.
"Okay okay. Sa Pasko." Then I smiled again.
I went to the fridge, took some chocolates (we got lots of stocks of 'em thanks to me), and gave it to him. Then I knocked on my brother's room.
"Kuya, magkano yung de-remote control na kotse-kotsehan?"
"Magandang klase o hindi mashado?"
"Uh, kung magandang klase?"
"More or less 5 thou."
"WHAT?!?!"
"Bakit para kanino?"
"Kay MJ. Yung di mashadong maganda magkano?"
"1, 500 siguro.."
Oh okay. I guess I must start saving. I pity the boy.. He doesn't have a father. His father left him and his mom when he was 3, the guy had his own family already but lied about it, was a seaman. (I remember someone who almost did that to me). His mom is also not around, haven't been there for him for years, she's a seawoman. So MJ's aunt and grandma are the ones who stood as his guardians. For a young kid, it's gotta be tough. The least I can do is be a "Mom" for him even if it's just for Christmas.
It must have felt really good to have a little boy call you "Mom."
November 01, 2005 ~ 7:57 PM
We went to the cemetery (Olongapo Memorial Park) this morning to visit my grandpa and grandma (my grandma's mom but we also call her grandma, lola sa tuhod to be exact), father's side. We lighted candles for them, prayed the rosary, stayed a bit to reminisce the past. We did not see our relatives, well I think there's a pupose for that. There's been a family feud, between my dad and his siblings so... there. Funny how my perspective of cemeteries and death change as I get older.
I had this heart to heart talk with my sister.. just a while back. I know we usually don't get along well but she's really good in giving advices. It's like she can read a part of me and she's the only one who can do that.
Well I did not actuallty ask for any advice. It's like an impulse from her to just say her thoughts.
"Alam mo, sometimes kung nafifeel mo na ginagamit ka lang ng isang tao, masakit pero kelangan mo tanggapin."
I asked her what she meant. Coz clearly I do not have a boyfriend so I have no idea who she's referring to.
"You know. Your dentist friend."
I kept silent for a minute. Reflecting on what she said.
I remembered what Ria and I talked about on the phone last Saturday night when I was in Manila.
"Ria, ikaw ba, uunahin mo pa ang kalandian mo bago ang friendship natin?"
"Ano ka ba Carmela, shempre hindi noh!"
I was hurt really. But I did not mind, I had to give way. Ate Jing knew Jayson and I, our families had a great fight before. For that same reason hindi kami pwede magkita, magsama. She invited Jayson and his friends kahit wala silang pinagsamahan, ako na kaibigan nya, she should have thought about how I would feel. She's old enough to discern that, she's 34...
"Mas gusto nya pa makasama sila Jayson kesa sa'yo. She does not care about you. She does not need you anymore kasi nakuha na nya kelangan nya. Hindi ka na nya kelangan para akitin si Jayson para sa kanya," my sister said.
Before I would have doubted that.. But now as I remember how Ate Jing talked.....
"Sorry girl, I don't care kung may feelings ka pa kay Jayson pero sa birthday ko, ibobody shot ko sha," she said last last Thursday when we were out eating.
Danley, Jayson's bestfriend, was her boyfriend. Never mind the 14-year age gap. And God, she wasn;t even annulled, she does not want to get an annulment. But I tolerated her, because, I know I was wrong but I wanter her to be happy, I know how lonely she was. Danley would be seen driving around her CRV and withdrawing money from her ATM, but I didn't care, she never listened to my warning that Danley's just using her and Jayson and his friends were up to no good.
But what's her problem? Why is she doing this to me? My parents doesn't want me going out with her but I did not care coz I knew she was my friend.
"O girl pag gumimik tayo magsuot ka ng super sexy para maraming lumapit sa akin ha? Para naman pag umalis ka maraming boylets na maiiwan sa akin. Sorry pero type ko talaga si Jayson at si Danley, tuhog silang magbestfriend..."
Before, I thought those words were meaningless. Now I relized I thought wrong.
Sayang.. Nanghihinayang ako because I truly cared about her, it hurts because I thought she really was my friend. Well of course not all people who can read this will understand what's going on, I can't share everything. Only those really close to me knows what's been going on.
Uh so, for those buttheads who know nothing but criticize me and pester my blog, drop it, you don't know me well enough to judge me. (I wonder why they haven't polluted my blog for two days... is it because they knew tag-board.com can like keep on erasing their posts thanks for their IP addresses?)
May the souls of those who are in purgatory rest in peace.
I am a confused girl who is trapped between the past and the present
